What to Avoid Saying to Someone Who is Struggling
The way you phrase things when talking to or trying to support someone who is already struggling is very important. In addition to being patient and trying your best to sympathize with someone in pain, communication plays a huge role. However, the way support is verbalized can do more harm than good sometimes. Below are examples of damaging phrases and healthier alternative phrases to lean more towards when discussing mental health.
Tips From Someone Living with Mental Illness
The Don'ts
“This ___ is SO Bipolar”
“Everyone’s a little OCD” or “I’m a little OCD”
“It could be so much worse”
One of the weirdest things I've heard is someone refer to the weather as bipolar. Bipolar is not synonymous for unpredictable, indecisive, or inconsistent. Bipolar disorder is a serious mental illness and when you call the weather bipolar, you are stigmatizing and belittling a very serious condition. If the weather truly was bipolar, you'd be living in a whole new world.
No. You either have OCD or you don't. There is no gray area. OCD isn't just being obsessively clean either. Movies and TV shows are responsible for that stereotype. Media also portrays people with OCD as crazy. So, that being said, if you're getting this information from movies or TV shows… that means it's time to find some credible resources.
Saying something along these lines essentially invalidates the perfectly valid and legitimate feelings and experiences of someone struggling and reduces them to “just feeling bad for yourself” when that isn't what's happening at all. People with mental illnesses aren't sitting around and moping about their situation in life. They are legitimately struggling and saying these things will never help.
“Just relax/calm down, it’s no big deal” or “Stop worrying so much”
“Everyone experiences anxiety”
“Try working out more”
Trying to just relax is so much easier said than done. There's no telling when something might suddenly occur that will inevitably send your mind off into an anxious whirlwind or depression central. Also, we've tried… relaxing is nowhere near as easy as you think when you have a mental illness. Trust me
Technically, yes - when anxiety is the general kind that means “worried”, “nervous”, or “uneasy”. But that is in no way the same thing as a generalized anxiety disorder. Generalized anxiety disorders are diagnosed when anxiety is a constant, everyday feeling that causes a persistent disruption in life even when nothing is happening to cause anxiety. So, no, not everyone goes through anxiety.
There's a very common misconception about how exercise can help with mental health. While working out releases endorphins that help you feel good, it isn't a magical cure that makes depression or anxiety go away. It can certainly help, but it's not a one fixed cure. People experiencing depression and anxiety might not even have the mental or physical energy to get out of bed, let alone workout.
“Just get over it”
“You have so much to be happy about, why can’t you just focus on those things?”
Looking terrified when someone mentions they have a disorder
I don't think I need to explain this one. That's not how mental health works. People who say things like “just get over it” to someone struggling with mental health are insensitive and need to work on empathizing with others better.
This is frustrating. Those who suffer from mental health issues are not ungrateful or not thankful for what they have. This is because mental illnesses such as depression are not about attitude. They’re about chemical imbalances.
Contrary to popular belief, most individuals with a mental illness are not dangerous. Most violence is perpetrated by those without diagnosis or someone untreated. As a matter of empirical fact, people who suffer from a mental illness are more likely to be victims, not perpetrators, of violent crimes.
Healthier Alternatives
“I’m here for you”
Just a simple “I’m here for you” to let them know you care and that they aren’t alone, can mean a million words. Let them know you aren’t going anywhere.
“Is there anything I can do?”
The answer will usually be no, but you never know. Maybe they want some company or someone to come do their errands with them. Just offering the knowledge that you’re willing to help is helpful in itself.
“You mean so much to me.”
It is so easy to feel isolated and worthless when dealing with a mental illness. Telling a friend how much they mean to you can really put a smile on their face because sometimes they forget.
“That sounds really difficult”
Just letting them know you sympathize with them and validating what they’re feeling can make a difference. Let them know they aren’t overreacting and what they’re going through is really difficult.
"Let's go somewhere quiet or take a walk"
In times of extreme anxiety, it can help to try a grounding activity, like going for a walk or finding a peaceful place to talk. Grounding activities may be done alone or with another person and may include listening to music or enjoying a soothing scent. It's okay if they might not want to go for a walk or spend time with you right now. Just be patient and leave the offer open
"Are you looking for my perspective or would you rather I listen?"
Clarify which type of support they would like and let them know that you will not judge them. If they want your insights, it's helpful to begin with something like "I don't know if this applies, but I'm wondering about…"
Important Notes to Remember:
Mental Illness is not an Excuse.
The Cards You're Dealt
Whether it was nature or nurture, if you have a mental illness, those were the cards you were dealt. You didn't get to choose what cards you got in life, but you can choose how you play them. You can let your disorder win, or you can fight. Whether that be getting out of bed today or choosing to live and see tomorrow, you are so much stronger than you know and you have people fighting for you. You can do this!​ Remember, you only fail when you give up.
Negative Behavior
It is often that some might interpret communication about mental health as trying to dismiss behavior or someone avoiding taking responsibility for their actions. Obviously, it's never okay to dismiss behavior as mental illness. Just keep in mind that talking about one's own illness and personal experiences can be vulnerable and difficult. It is best to discuss behavior with an open mind on both sides to create a better understanding.
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Patience
Mental illnesses are something that affect someone negatively every day and can cause one to do things they can't control. The same way people living with Tourette's can't control tics, people with other illnesses often struggle with things like mood swings, anxiety, and dissociation. These symptoms disrupt everyday life and can impair functioning. Sometimes, all we need is a little patience.